Dear 5

I was really hoping that you’d turn out to be a taste of sweet love, but I wanted to write you a thank you letter for being such a lesson. Moving here was something impulsive, something scary, and something beautiful. I got to step out on my own and you caught me when I was getting really close to hitting the ground.

My momma always tells me that I see the best in people and you were definitely no exception. When you showed me around, laughed at my dumb blonde moments but answered me anyways, and complimented me you won me over quite easily. It wasn’t long before I liked you and started planning things to do and places to see with you. I wanted you to be by my side through the happy and the sad. I never wanted to leave you behind. Unfortunately, when you make plans and a schedule, it never really works out. I didn’t mean to hurt you or make you second guess our whole relationship. You were, and still are important to me. It breaks my heart that whenever I pass you, the smile you wear on your face, is no longer mine. Even though it hurts to say goodbye, I still thank you for every moment spent together. Please know that I wouldn’t take any of it back if I could.

I don’t think I could ever thank you enough for showing me what a relationship looks like when both people care. Thank you for the long stares that made me feel shy, for holding my hand while we went for drives, for introducing me to your family, and thank you for all the kisses that made every problem disappear. You took away my insecurities and made me a better person. You made me feel comfortable when my life was in total chaos. You made me smile when it really wasn’t easy to. I wish I could have done the same for you, and I wish I could have been just as good to you as you were to me. You made me feel cute and important, but there are much bigger things I would like to thank you for.

Because of you,
-I know what it’s like to feel important. You always listened to me, even if my problems were stupid and not something to worry about. And even though you wouldn’t do it in person, you took time to answer my questions when we were over. I appreciate the closure.
-I know what it’s like to be introduced to a family. Your family is all so sweet and it was honestly such a big deal that I got to meet them. I didn’t know how to tell you that it meant a lot. You’ve never done that kind of thing before so it made me feel incredibly special.
-I know what it’s like to be able to be silent, but feel comfortable. There were hours where we would just sit and watch a game and there never needed to be any talking.  I miss this the most because those were the times where I felt like we’d be doing this for a long time.
-I know what it’s like to feel like I’ve lost control. Everything was okay the day you decided to drop the bomb that you just didn’t feel the same way anymore, I honestly didn’t see it coming. I knew I was going to lose it all and there was nothing I could do about it.
-I know what it’s like to have a broken heart. This was the worst. I had to accept that we’d never go for McFlurries again, watch another game together, you would never try to convince me that orange was a good colour, we’d never go for car rides, I’d never get to hear you recite all the words to your new favourite song, or I’d never get to watch you light up when you told me how your game went again.
-I know what it’s like when I should be taking the advice I’ve given you all along. A couple days ago it hit me, I should never rely on someone to be my only source of happiness. You were my comfortability, you were always there, you were my memory of home, you were my happiness here. I never should have put that much pressure on you and I’m sorry I didn’t see that until now.
-I know what it’s like to have to pick myself up off the ground and not rely on you. I guess that’s hard to do when I’m in a town where the only things I know remind me of you. But after I realized I leaned on you, I knew I could no longer do that and the making of new memories has become much easier.
And I know what it’s like to move on and someday try again. I was scared to let go of the memories we had, but it’s like that cheesy quote says, “Sometimes holding on does more damage than letting go.” So it’s time to say goodbye for now and do my own thing. In the end, I’m the independent girl my momma always taught me to be and the forgiving person my daddy always showed me to be, and I’ll be just fine.

After all this I hope you find someone amazing and I hope she makes you incredibly happy. But even as I write this final letter, and I don’t know if this makes me selfish, I hope that you keep my letters and some of these same thoughts still cross your mind.

Love always,
Britt

P.S. I still miss you